Round Forty-Nine of Infinity, Divide by Two

I have grievously messed up tonight
Again I have spoken
before thinking
And you react
As I have allowed words to pass
the gateway of lips meant to be
securely guarded
by reasonable thoughts.
Reasonable now treasonable
These words should be leashed
so I can pull back, take back
retract
what you have heard
and firmly muzzle nouns, verbs, prepositions
before these syllables tear down the tree
they were only supposed to bark up.
But it's too late, what's been said
has been said and we must react
and act and assess degree of impact.
I know that I am wrong
but on the cusp of my stuttered apology
you let me know you have heard the bell
and I find myself with raised emotional fists.
This devolves to quick jabs to the dignity
fierce blows below the belt of decency
And well-timed uppercuts landing
precisely where we know they hurt most.
A recipe for surrender reads:
open mouth, insert fist
because my self-righteous foot
is still kicking you.
Add one tablespoon
of shut the hell up
Simmer
Stirring frequently.
We trade verbal sparring for silence,
wrapped in individual shrouds of rightness
escaping into the forced politeness of non-speech.
I'm afraid of where this goes,
the first one to break loses
and we wind up with sleeping arrangements
resembling June and Ward Cleaver
except pissed off
backs turned
cloaking devices up
phasers set to shut the hell up.
Silence allows reflection
and the heart is finally able
to call up the trecherous brain
to ask if it's mouth is running
and to ask why
no one went to catch it.
I am wrong.
Sorry.

Twitterpated (a short story)

I like a girl. Her name is Mandy and she smells like really nice soap. I’m sure it’s something more specific than really nice soap like lavender or pink coconut raspberry but I’m a guy so it’s all just really nice soap to me. But really, she smells great. We met for the first time in chemistry class. Appropriate, I know. She just couldn’t keep her eyes off my Bunsen burner. Actually it took me a while to attract her attention since I’m maybe not the most noteworthy specimen of masculinity. So one day after class I really put on the charm. Leaning suavely against the lab table while she walked by, I said, “Hey there.”

At least, that’s what I wanted to say. Instead I was screaming because, when I went to lean suavely, my elbow bumped a rack of test tubes full of chemicals that are really not pleasant when they mix. Needless to say we bonded when she had to guide me over to the eye washing station and held my hand until the ambulance came. I’ll never wash these eyes again, if I can help it.

That was all it took for her to notice me and, before I even thought it would be possible, I was able to change my Facebook status from ‘single’ to ‘it’s complicated.’ But she didn’t take the bait right away. So, I became persistent. Random notes in her locker. Memorizing her schedule so I could be in just the right place at the right time. I know, you’re thinking stalker, but I don’t think if you’re in love that sort of thing really counts. I mean, it’s not as though I was standing outside her bedroom window throwing pebble after pebble waiting to hold a huge boom box over my head and serenade her with a Rick Astley song. I had that scenario saved for if the notes in her locker didn’t work out.

But I wasn’t desperate. Finally she smiled at me one brilliant afternoon in the middle of chemistry class. At first I didn’t think she was smiling at me, I thought she was smiling at the guy who’s a starter on the basketball team who sits behind me. Brad. I was thinking murderous thoughts about Brad in that moment when suddenly I realized I had an incoming text message on my cell phone. Peering at the screen stealthily under the desk I was sitting at I read the words the object of my affection had typed with her delicate fingers. It said: “Wh r u doing l8tr?” I smiled back at her across the classroom and typed back, “I luv u.” Realizing that this was not a good first move, I quickly backtracked. Instead I typed, “Nuthin, how bout u?” She was clearly impressed by my cool, yet casual reply and we agreed to meet each other after school.

The rest, as they say, is history. Mandy is an amazing conversationalist. She can text faster than anyone I’ve seen. In fact, that’s how we talked most of the time. She didn’t like to actually talk, which was great most girls seem to talk way too much. The silence was nice, at first, but after a while I found myself trying to convince her to speak to me. I tried to create situations in which she would be forced to talk instead of just pecking away at that miniature keypad with her graceful thumbs. I even tried pretending to choke on my hot dog one afternoon. In the middle of trying to indicate to her that I was about to lose consciousness I felt the familiar vibration of my cell phone in my hip pocket. Irritably I read the message: “CPR?” I honestly think she would have attempted to text the Heimlich maneuver.

It became clear to me in that instant that I was going to have to reconsider this relationship. Just as I had come to this earth shattering conclusion, things managed to get worse. My darling Mandy discovered Twitter. If I wasn’t comfortable with her constant texting before, Twitter helped her take this whole obsession to a new level. Twitter is text messaging taken up a notch, subscribe to someone’s Twitter feed and they can provide minute by minute details of what they are doing. Mandy subscribed me to her Twitter and her updates on her every little move became inescapable. I resorted to leaving my cell phone in my locker, turned off because the stream of information was constant. I dreaded returning to my locker and turning on the phone only to be greeted with dozens upon dozens of messages from my beloved. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to know what she was doing; it’s just that sometimes it was a little bit too much information. One afternoon she even Twittered the details of her trip to the girl’s room. This description included the words: “Just flushed.”

By the time I was getting details on her bathroom habits, I knew that the time had come for me to draw the line, to bite the proverbial bullet and just tell her that I couldn’t stand the Tweets anymore. That’s what they call individual Twitter messages, Tweets, such a cute word for such a sinister concept. Even Mandy’s friends were begging me to make the tweets stop. I decided to discuss the situation with my friend Charlie. He has a lot more experience with girls and I knew he would have some kind of solution for my situation.

“It’s driving me crazy, dude.”

“So just tell her. What would be the worst that could happen?”

“I tried, she never listens, she just tweets.”

“So tweet back at her.”

That was it! I would finally break up with her. I would be free of the endless tweeting! I had been worried that this relationship was going to wind up with me having to do her in somehow and that I’d be haunted by the tweets, like that guy in that Poe story. Her ghost would be tweeting at me and I’d be raving at the police to tear up the floorboards of my house just to stop the sound. The sound of the hideous tweeting! This was a much better solution. I would just take out my phone, calmly, and writer her a Dear Mandy text. You know: “Dear, Mandy, it’s not you, it’s me…but it is you…” No, no that doesn’t sound right. “Dear Mandy, you smell nice, but it’s over.” Hmmm…that’s not quite how I want to say it either. “Mandy, we just can’t see each other anymore because I really don’t need to know what you had for breakfast, why you chose to wear the pink socks instead of the purple socks today, what you smelled on the bus, the entire lecture from history class line by line from Mr. Popper when I will be hearing the exact same lecture the class period after you, the entire lunch menu with prices or the exact ingredients of the snack you intend to eat after school. I want a real relationship with a real girl who talks to me and maybe wants to hold my hand or make out with me occasionally. I want to throw your phone into the deepest, darkest ocean so that it will be swallowed by fish that will be swallowed by another fish and another fish, ad nauseum until the only thing you can hear from it is the faint plop of bubbles that escape the mouth of the fish as it rings in the depths of it’s belly.” Heh heh, I don’t think that’s going to fit in a text message. 140 characters max, that’s a darn shame. Oh look, I’m getting a tweet now. “Jake,” it says, “I really love you.” Oh well, I guess I don’t really want to break up with her just yet. I wonder if they’ll let you tweet “I do.”

Study: Domestic female goes through elaborate steps to prepare meals

NEBRASKA (Reuters) - Housewives are the chefs of the kitchen, having been seen going through precise and elaborate preparations to rid the evening's planned meal of stew of the 'yucky parts' to produce a meal that will be approved of by the smaller life forms in the house, scientists say.

"It's a sign of how well their brains are developed. It's a pretty clever way to get a stew without the observable horrible bits," a research team member told this newspaper.

The research team said they repeatedly observed a domestic female chopping onions into pieces small enough that they are unobservable through a microscope and slicing carrots into fragments so tiny that they are said to not resemble carrots any longer.

The female, identified by the exasperated expression on her face and eyes that are glassy from lack of adult stimulation, added enough sauce to the stew to utterly mask it's contents. Researchers have also repeatedly observed the utter rejection by the smaller creatures in the environment of the food prepared.

This behavior either shows that the female does not learn well from previous experiences or that she holds out some kind of hope that the smaller life forms will alter their behavior despite the fact that they have given no indication of doing so.

"We have seen the female respond to the noise of complaint by the small creatures by microwaving chicken nuggets or grilling cheese sandwiches leaving large quantities of carefully prepared food to be consumed by the adults who wouldn't have cared if the onions appeared in larger chunks," said one observing scientist.

The domestic female purportedly resolved to discontinue elaborate food preparation, though scientists expect her to repeat the behavior within the next couple of weeks.

To read about dolphins that exhibit a similar behavior, please see this story.

The 25 random things about me: facebook phenonmenonmenon

So it seems that many of my gregarious friends on Facebook are doing this so since Allen tagged me in his 25 things I thought it would make a fine blog topic for today. I'm going to spice mine up a bit with graphics because it makes it more fun.


1. I am a very fast reader. I took a speed reading class when I was young and I don't know that I apply the skills learned from the class or if I am just naturally inclined to absorbing material. As a consequence of this I am able to understand and appreciate books but I don't necessarily have a running image of the characters and their surroundings in my mind. I can understand that a scene takes place in the desert and the main character is blond without having a clear picture of said scene in my imagination. If I attempt to actually construct a mental image of the character and scene it slows down my reading process tremendously. A byproduct of this is you will probably never hear me say that a character in a movie based on a book doesn't look how I imagined the character to look since I probably didn't have a specific and clear image of the character anyway. Am I defective?
(wow that was only one I hope I can be more succinct.)


2.I have had a variety of fixations on television shows as I have grown up. They included but were not limited to: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (when I was about 8), SeaQuest DSV (for however long that show ran for, I was enamored of Jonathan Brandis), Star Trek TNG and Deep Space Nine - to the extent that I attended a convention and also still have a signed picture of Brent Spiner - the actor who played Data - because I wrote him a fan letter. To my shame I watched an enjoyed The OC (mostly for the first season, after that it got kind of ridiculous). Currently my show fixation has migrated to Lost (as many of you know already).

3. At the age of 12 I spent my summer writing a novel, it was around 100 pages typed. It was called Myth and it was about dragons. I see a lot of similarity between the plotline of the book I wrote in Christopher Paolini's book Eragon. His is much better plotted and thought out than my 12 year old writing but the underlying concept was very similar. From the moment I saw Eragon I said, "that's my story!"


4. I don't have a large intestine. I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis when I was 13 or 14 and I got sick enough (at the age 16) to have to spend several months in the hospital. This eventually led to surgery that removed my entire large intestine. All of it. Instead I rely on my small intestine for all of my digestive needs and I really don't miss the large one at all, especially since it made me so sick. I also have a cool scar.

5. I like powdery substances. I like the way they feel. Among the substances that this includes: beach sand, laundry detergent powder (I don't actually touch it but I like to scoop it), powdered sugar....

6. I have alternated between sports and more nerdy activities through my childhood before settling down in my nerddom. I eventually discovered that I am a much better geek than jock. I still enjoy playing basketball but watching sports in any form is anathema.

7. My favorite saints are St. Joseph and St. Pio. My confirmation saint is St. Benedict. I was born on the same day as St. Theresa of Avila.

8. I have a special dislike in my heart for rhyming poetry unless the rhyme is not noticable or is intentionally clever.

9. I don't eat much fruit and I despise bananas. I like the flavor of fruit and enjoy
fruit juice but it's a texture issue for me with actual fruit. I will not drink orange
juice if it has pulp.

10. My idea of a perfect morning is sitting in a comfy chair in a coffee establishment with an excellent brew in my cup, a nice spongy cakelike pastry on my plate, and a good book to read or an interesting person to have a conversation with.

11. I'm not comfortable in large groups of people unless I am on stage performing for them. For this reason I'm not much for parties.

12. I have been to a Goo Goo Dolls concert, a Counting Crows concert and I was once dragged to see Joan Osbourne in concert (and am still scarred by the experience). I would still like to see Great Big Sea in concert. The image to the right is the Counting Crows. I would definately see them again.

13. My goals in life at this moment include: finishing a novel and making sure my children survive their childhood.

14. Most of my friends that I consider close friends live very far away from me. Sometimes this makes me very lonely. I need to go on a road trip to Minnesota or Indiana. :)

15. I don't like chess. I have tried to play it with Matt but he's been playing for a really long time and the game frustrates me. I consider myself a logical person but chess is too much logical strategy for me. Logic puzzles also frustrate me.

16. I also dislike math. I think it has to do with the side of the brain I use more often. I can do math if called upon to do so and I taught algebra for a period of time. I am capable of comprehending math, we just aren't friends.

17. I took a lot of lessons when I was young. I learned to play tennis, golf, piano, and violin. I attended basketball camp and a young writer's camp. I do not consider myself proficient today at any of the things I took lessons for.

18. I am a logophile. I love to learn words and meanings of new words. It is not often that I come across a word I do not know the definition of but I become excited when I find them. One of the words I learned recently was sesquipedalian - meaning a person who is given to using long words or a word containing many syllables. This is also why I love Boggle-style word games (any of my prolific friends who are reading this are now attempting to solve the grid on the right). rate, rates, shear, hear, heart, sites, site, lite, slab, gelt, gelts, delt, delta, etat, bare, bares, brand, head...

19. My favorite flavor of ice cream is mint chocolate chip or chocolate peanut butter. When I was a little it was gold medal ribbon from baskin robbins.

20. I have a hard time following through with things I resolve to do. For instance, we have tried several diets in this house and they have never amounted to anything long term. I'm a stubborn person but this does not translate to resolve in a lot of instances.

21. I can make several animal sounds that are fairly convincing - bobcat, rooster and meowing like a cat. They utilized this talent for the Easter pagent at my college by having me be the rooster that crows three times when Peter betrays Jesus. I am usually able to draw cats to me by meowing at them. I have also been known to attract cows to me merely by standing close to a fence where there are cows in a field- this has happened on more than one occasion. There was a period of time in which I considered being a vet - even as an adult.

22. My middle name is Aquin which was also my grandmother's name. It is the town St. Thomas Aquinas came from. Aquinas means 'of Aquin.' The yearbook at Matt's school is called the Aquin. Before seeing their yearbook I had never seen something with my middle name on it before.

23. I really like writing with chalk on chalkboards. I got to use one while I was teaching and this was highly enjoyable for me. I didn't like how much chalk dust got on my hands but I think this relates to my love of powdery things since chalk is powdery - chalk dust is lovely to me too.

24. I love the smell of old books. Used book stores are a great place to find this smell. I also love used book stores.

25. I can't watch when people get shots or when I am given a shot. I get very queasy seeing a needle go into someone's arm whether it is someone else or my own. I have a hard time watching them give my dog shots too.

Apathy

Ok, so I've complained more than enough about the cold but it really does suck all of the life out of me.
I would prefer to stay wrapped up in a blanket all day. Problem with that is that nothing gets done and I begin to have new appreciation for the term 'spring cleaning' - for me it's going to mean finally getting to all of the things I've been neglecting due to not wanting to move around very much.

meh.

Snowbunnies

Yeah! It's the last week of January...soon we can say goodbye to this awful month.

Boo! It got up to 50 degrees last week and now we're encased in snow and ice again and we're in the teens for temp. Which sounds like some kind of high school club that takes temperatures or closely follows the weather.


This weekend featured for me:

1. A night out with some ladies from Matt's school

2. A bad movie (not bad as in morally offensive, bad as in it was just a stupid movie)

3. 4N6 tourney


Dinner at Applebees was pleasant, I was invited to go on a girls night out with Matt's female co workers so I jumped at the chance to get out of the house without children. Fun, but at the same time awkward since on these sort of adventures the other people I'm with knew each other a lot better than I know them. Just one of the perils of being new.

Because it took a long time to settle everyone's bill at the restaurant, the only movie we could make was Bride Wars...from the moment I checked the movie listings I was afraid that this was the movie I was going to be seeing. Yikes it was bad. I suppose for those who like the 'chick flicks' and/or have been planning their wedding since they were prenatal this was a good movie.

I just couldn't identify. For a good Catholic girl such as myself, you don't just get engaged one day and get married three months later. It just doesn't happen. We were engaged for a whole year before we got married, just worked out that way. And it wasn't as though I was expecting to be engaged at that point either. I had never given a thought to a wedding before I had a ring on my finger and even at that point it was like...well, I guess I need to plan something now.

Apart from a desire to be the center of attention for a day (read, narcissism) I never got the whole bridezilla, it's all about me thing. As long as the wedding mass went well I wasn't really concerned with much else and the only thing you really 'plan' about the mass is the readings.
C'mon it's one day out of your entire life and I'm sure that these girls have major let down when the 'big day' is over and done with.

Life goes on...

The 4n6 meet was fine. I just wish we had more kids on the team to work with (and at the same time I don't). It's just kind of disheartening when there are two of them and you haven't been working with them long enough to expect them to go to finals.

So it goes...

It's snowy outside and I'm ready for winter to be done. Please Mr. Groundhog...short winter!

By the by, I LOVED the Lost season premiere! I'm not going to blog on it just yet though because my darling husband is behind on his episodes and I don't want to spoil his viewing of the new season. I'm still awaiting the first installment of Lost-Vivor though....

Ah inauguration day...I will be trying to skip the all Obama all the time coverage which is pretty easy to do without cable tv. I shudder to think what the 24 hour news networks are like at this point.

On the agenda for today...a trip to the library which had to be canceled yesterday due to the unforeseen closing of said library for MLK Jr Day. So we will be heading there today to restock our reading and viewing materials.
Also, laundry. Oooo excitement.
And later today, forensics team practice which will hopefully be more productive than practice yesterday.
I'm not feeling very inspired today but I wish that I had a Lost viewing party to look forward to for tomorrow night. As it stands I just don't know enough Lost nerds here who would want to get together to celebrate the return of Lost. Instead I will be cheerfully huddled in front of my computer screen on Thursday morning to delight in a fresh episode. Yeah!

Also, thanks to Michelle Kafel who provides us with this delighful little addition to the blog today in honor of inauguration day.